What a pleasant weekend! The sun was out (for most of it) and it was quite warm too (for most of it). I got to put our new garden to the test topping up my tan. It's nice that it's not overlooked here, so you can lie back, close your eyes and listen to some music without worrying about who's going to be leering at you over the fence when you open your eyes :)

Now we just need a pool...

Apparently Anglia Water have been having a little bit of a problem with a Cryptosporidium outbreak. I thought Cryptosporidium was an obnoxious grey alien with a pathological hatred of humans, but apparently not. Cryptosporidium is, in fact, a nasty little bug which causes massive attacks of... well, let's just say you won't be getting too far away from the bathroom.

Does Anglia water supply Cambridge too? I guess it does. Perhaps that would explain why my glass of water always looks like this in the morning.

water

On Sunday my parents went to some boring social function to do with dad's work, so I had the house all to myself. I don't do junk food very often, but I thought I'd treat myself to curling up on the sofa with a pizza and a movie, but - none of the pizza companies deliver out as far as Stupid Outlying Villageton! "You can come collect," they suggested. How am I supposed to do that? I'm not even old enough to have a driving licence! Steal a car? "You could get a boyfried to drive you", was her next idea. Fine, I'll whore myself out to someone with a car just to go get a pizza. Is that what you're trying to do to me? Drive me into prostitution with the lure of your delicious dough-based treats? Shame on you, pizza-company-who-will-remain-nameless-but-sounds-a-lot-like-the-game-played-by-old-people-in-pubs-using-black-and-white-spotted-tiles.

There's no moral standards anymore.

Talking of morals, I couldn't believe what I came across, as it were, on channel 5 while I was flicking around the channels at about 11pm, waiting for everyone to come home.

The Girl's Guide to 21st Century Sex is supposed to be one of these kind of trendy informative documentaries, but (and I'm not some kind of Victorian prude here) I've never seen anything so explicit on mainstream TV before. I think because they call it "educational" you can get away with stuff you normally need some kind of licence for...

They had - dude, I have no idea how to describe this! ... shots from inside ... showing what goes on (how they got a camera up there I'll never know) and a guy with a camera strapped to his bits as well, so you get to see the whole act from both sides in some of the most terrifiying close-ups I've ever seen since those sex-ed videos they showed us at school that made most of us sleep with the lights on at night, rocking back and forward in a corner and muttering "Ineverwantaboyfriend, Ineverwantaboyfriend".

Plus, there was a delightful section about pubic crabs and about a 70-year-old guy who finds his relationship with a blow-up doll more fulfilling than one with a real woman.

I'm sure I saw a convent somewhere around here the other day. Do you have any application forms? I think I'd like to join now...

H x

*Ok, so no drugs.